IT'S MY BIRTHDAAAYYY!!!!!!!!
I don't really remember my childhood. My mama says that can be caused by trauma, the brain deciding to forget the shit that happened to it, to cope. But she can't think of anything that coulda caused it. All I know is that whatever it is that happened, happened before that one day where I was nine.
I'll be honest I can't really remember that either, but I remember crying, I remember being taken to a seperate room, and I cried more. I don't remember who I talked to, or what I said, or why I cried in the first place, but that's where my memory starts. Once in a while I'll taste a certain food, or smell a certain smell and be reminded of something, rarely, but it's been happening more and more often, and it's horrible.
This kid, whoever he is, isn't me. He's cruel and cold, he's rude to his friends, I don't even recognize him. And I can't turn it off, I can't stop seeing what he's done, and regretting his actions. My mama says I'm just like I was back then, but less cute and taller. I had longer hair and bigger teeth, so big I couldn't properly close my mouth. I had perfect vision and good hearing, I was skinny and short and I only had one proper friend, and I only liked girls.
I remember Olivia mockiing me, though I don't remember exactly what she said, I remember Pheobe who I think was my friend, I remember stealing gloves from a girl, I remember holding hands with Aidan, I remember what she did to me. I'd rather not write about that.
I think he would be proud of me, I'm taller and I've had girlfriends, I've had boyfriends, I got decent grades, I've drank and smoked, he always wanted to try that. It makes me feel like shit after but in the moment it gives me a sort of happiness I can't explain, it's like my brain finally relaxes and all the memories and the voice finally go away, and it's just me and the guilt.
Guilt's a guy I know well, I feel guilty for pushing Ema away, I feel guilty for breaking up with Lucy, I feel guilty for the things I say and the dumb shit I've done.
I think remembering is overrated. There's a reason I don't know what happened, a reason I'm 6 at 15, a reason I day dream about the best way to position a gun,
something happened to me when I was a kid, and whether I was raped or traumatised or whatever, I've lost a part of myself, I've lost 9 years, and it's fucking me up.
